“What’s on your mind?” asks facebook. Every day. Or, if I’m being honest, several times a day. I don’t know, facebook, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t handle the deluge. I’ve got enough going on in my brain for a dozen blog posts, but it’s all dammed up. Severe writer’s block. That dam is built of fear and sealed tight with procrastination.
Fear of writing poorly, of not doing my subject matter justice.
Fear of judgement (a word I hate, and think is so overused and wrongly defined, yet I’m using it anyway).
Fear of not being taken seriously.
But I know that “God has not given me a spirit of fear.” My passions….the things I care about…..the causes I fight for…..the stands I take….. they are all from Him. Sometimes I’m not sure that they’re from Him, when those passions bring on the aforementioned judgement. So I pray. I ask God to take it away, to please not ask me to stand for that. It’s too hard. People will get angry. They will say nasty things to me, and call me names, and accuse ME of judgement. If the passion remains, I press on, placing my trust in Christ alone.
So that’s the deep, profound side of my brain cloud. Also on tap:
Selling our house – where is my faith? One day I’m sure it’s all going to fall to pieces, and the next, God pulls everything back into alignment.
Buying our “forever” home – same thing as above, only add in some mold, mice, and dangerous chemicals. (The inspector called it “Mr. Wizard’s Workshop.”)
Homeschooling – my children can sense my restlessness at wanting to just pack up and get out of here, but not knowing when that will happen, and they are just as unfocused as I am.
Teenager in the house, and 3 tweens – yeah.
Still in a foreign body – working on a new method of eating, and waiting for my appointment with the endocrinologist. Avoiding mirrors. Going to invest in some very baggy shirts.
In all of this, one thing is true. My God is faithful. When everything seems to be crumbling, and out of my control, He is faithful. Tonight an old worship song rescued my weary soul.
“In Christ alone, I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the Cross
In every victory, let it be said of me
My source of strength, my source of hope is Christ alone”